The Feelings You Keep Avoiding
Standing in a store with a muffin in one hand and a coffee in the other, I tried something different with the pain in my heart. It turned out to be the thing underneath all my perfectionism.
It was a cloudy, rainy day on the north shore of Kauai. The waves were huge, and I had a stormy inner pain in my heart. I'd woken up and something was just off. My life wasn't the way I liked it, and I couldn't shake the feeling.
So I jumped in my truck and drove up north and stopped at the health food store, to get a muffin and some coffee. I was going to sit on the beach and watch the waves and see if I could shift this nasty feeling gnawing at my soul.
As I walked through the store, I noticed this terrible pain in my heart, and I was resisting it. Suppressing it. Thinking, I shouldn't be feeling this. I don't like this feeling.
And then I had a thought. Michael, what if you can just accept your feelings? What if you stop resisting and just be okay with it, just for fun, as an experiment?
So I stood there, with a muffin in one hand and a coffee in the other, looking over the snacks and the fluorescent lights and the people walking around. And I just breathed. I stopped pushing the feeling away and let it be there.
And all of a sudden I noticed: this isn't really that bad. It's just a feeling, and it's okay. The moment I stopped resisting it, I started to feel better. I'm okay. I'm not the feeling. It's just a feeling, like a passing cloud.
By the time I left the store and started on my muffin and coffee, all was well in the world again. Because I was willing to feel my feelings.
What perfectionism is really protecting you from
Here's what I've come to understand, after years of this work with a lot of people.
The real issue behind perfectionism, behind not sharing our work, behind all the putting off, is that we don't want to deal with the feelings that come up. The awkward feelings that arise whenever we do something a little bit difficult.
You're working on a project. It gets a bit stressful. An email comes in that's hard to deal with. You feel some anxiety in your heart, and instantly, without even realising it, you open a tab to watch a video or check the news or scroll, just to avoid the feeling. This is why we pick up our phones hundreds of times a day. We're trying to avoid how we feel.
Perfectionism is the same move in a different costume. Instead of facing the feeling and taking action anyway, we tweak things, refine things, fiddle around, put it off, wait. It's a coping mechanism, like any other. And underneath all of it is a fear of feeling our feelings.
We've been taught that if something feels bad, it must be bad. But that's not true. Anytime you do something new and meaningful, it brings up some discomfort. Think of the first time you drove a car, or learned to ride a bike, how wobbly and awkward and impossible it felt, right up until it suddenly clicked. Your brain is literally working harder to build something new. That awkward feeling isn't a stop sign. It's the feeling of growing.
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The practice that does half the work
So here's the gentle invitation. The next time you feel bad and notice the urge to distract yourself, don't. Just take a few breaths instead.
Put your hand on your heart if you like. Breathe into the feeling. You're not trying to fix it or change it, just watching it, the way you'd watch a cloud, curious about it. Where is it in your body? Does it have a colour? Breathe in, and as you breathe out, let it go. If you want, you can surrender it up to something larger than you, to God, to life, to a loving presence. Just notice, and breathe, and allow.
Often, after a little while, the feeling starts to soften and shift on its own. And underneath it you may notice something else: a quiet sense that all is well. Because your natural state, underneath the weather, is peaceful.
I learned this the hard way once, lying sick in India, in the most pain I'd ever felt, resisting it for a full day and night, which only made it worse. When I finally stopped fighting it and simply watched the pain from a place of peace, the pain didn't vanish, but I was no longer at war with it. And from that stillness I found the strength to get up and get the help I needed.
That's the whole point. It's the resisting that makes it worse. When you stop running and let the feeling be what it is, it passes, the way every wave does. And then you take your imperfect action and keep moving.
The feeling isn't the problem. Resisting the feeling is.
Many blessings, and lots of love 🙏 Michael
Questions people ask
Why do I keep procrastinating on the things that matter most?+
Usually because those things bring up the most uncomfortable feelings, and procrastination is a way to avoid feeling them. The work itself often isn't the problem. The flash of anxiety the work triggers is, and we reach for a distraction before we even notice. Learning to be okay with the feeling removes most of the urge to flee.
If something feels bad, doesn't that mean I shouldn't do it?+
Not necessarily. Some things that feel bad are genuinely bad for you, and some things that feel good are too. But anything new, meaningful and growth-stretching will feel awkward at first, simply because your brain is doing extra work to learn it. Discomfort alone isn't reliable evidence that you're on the wrong path.
What do I actually do when a hard feeling comes up mid-task?+
Pause and take a few slow breaths, hand on your heart. Don't fight the feeling or analyse it, just notice it with curiosity and breathe, letting it be there and softly releasing it on the out-breath. Even a few breaths can settle it enough to keep going. Do it imperfectly, as many times as you need.
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Founder of Awakened Academy. Certifying spiritual coaches since 2012. Pioneering spiritual life coaching since 2004. Host of Your Wish Fulfilled and Don't Die With Your Song Inside.
